Have you ever watched a stranger in public or in a car and wondered personal things about their life?……Okay?!? Wait, Maybe I started this off wrong but stick with me I am definitely going somewhere…For instance, are they married or single? Kids or no kids? Why do they look so happy or sad? The guy whose aggressively moving his hands as he talks while driving or the girl talking on the phone and you see her mouth moving a thousand miles a minute but you can’t really tell if she’s really angry or very excited. The kid who sits and gazes out the back window of the car with no emotion at all. Are they ok?…. This may or may not be you but it is definitely me. Now some may call this down right nosey, in particular the people who know me. I on the other hand would like to put a pretty pink bow on it and call it INQUISITIVE….(why thank you google)….Nevermind my harmless stalker like tendencies but I often find myself watching others and sometimes based on their disposition or actions, I can’t help wondering where they are in their life in that moment.
The thought never really occurred to me that maybe there was someone asking these very same questions about me. Until with blurred vision while staring out the passenger window of my car I noticed someone notice my tears. Of course I quickly wiped my face and turned my head as it was hard for me to muster even the fakest of smiles. Overwhelmed was simply an understatement. We were out of town celebrating my parents 35th Anniversary and it was barely 24 hours before the trip went sour, and of course I tipped it right over the edge with my dramatic exit. Granted I was 5 months postpartum at the time and a tad bit emotional to say the least, hormonal could be more appropriate but I absolutely hate that word, almost as much as I hate the word HATE. (How ironic is that) Although the dynamics of the situation was some what complex, feelings of being under appreciated and disrespected had been lingering but the diagnosis was simple, my feelings were hurt. You know the normal functional family dysfunctions!
I had a feeling something could go wrong. The week leading up to that weekend was highly anticipated but had not been a walk in the park. I was nervous but not going to celebrate my parents was not an option. So as my husband drove us into San Antonio to get a hotel for the night I begin to reflect. I thought about how that person who saw me in such a tender moment may have wondered what was wrong with me or honestly could have cared less… and though my tears to me spoke volumes of the words I could not verbally express, to them or anyone else they were only but a mere whisper, but clearly I was unraveling.
After we settled in our room my son and my husband left to pick up our food. I didn’t have much of an appetite but I anxiously awaited for them to return. The busyness of my 5 month old daughter while in the state I was in, awkwardly felt like to much to handle alone, she was her normal self so happy and unbothered….”Oh the joys of being a child. Finally for what felt like forever, my husband and son came back with dinner. The Tv pretty much watched us as we ate and even though Mexican food is LIFE I just couldn’t make myself eat. After everyone finished up we got the kiddos ready for bed. Before going to sleep himself my husband begin to tell me about the car ride to pick up the food and how my 3 yr old son was concerned about whether mommy was ok. Unfortunately he was present during the heated family discussion. He saw the tears and heard the yelling, in my yearning for someone to see, hear and understand my feeling of being misunderstood. I forgot about my babies. As my husband begin to talk about their conversation an immediate sadness came over me. That sadness would be the cherry on top of what I already was feeling, but what he said next has such a redeeming power that til this day it still has a stronghold on me. My son asked his dad if they could pray for me. ME. Mommy, the one praying for every one else, kissing everyone’s else’s booboos. The prayer he lead out for me was so simple and sweet “Lord help mommy be herself a brave Jesus girl”. My son despite how he saw me in that moment didn’t define mommy by that moment. He wanted me to be brave enough to be myself! Im a Jesus Girl! That night as everyone slept I tossed and turned replaying the family disagreement in my head, the more I thought about it the more misunderstood i felt, the less serious it seemed, and the more I begin to feel like I overreacted, not wrong for feeling how I felt but there was definitely a better way to convey those feelings.
That next morning it was business as usual and although I hadn’t got much rest, I was game for making the best out of the day for my family. We got dressed grabbed a bite to eat and decided to take the kid to Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch in San Antonio, Texas…a drive thru Safari where you can buy food for the animals and feed them as they walk up to your car! For me it was a welcomed distraction from the events of the day before. We stayed for a couple hours before heading home. It was amazing and the kid was stoked to say the least! The ride home was cool we kept it light and as fun as a road trip can be when you have two kiddos in one car for several hours. Our sanity came and went a couple times but we managed to make it home all in one piece! Honestly, feelings were still a little shaky with family for the next couple weeks and I personally wanted the awkwardness over but still didn’t know how I felt completely. No different from any other families, you have disagreements or sometimes fight but continue to Love because you are FAMILY. It’s been a little over 6 months now since the trip and the revelation of my now 4 yr old’s sweet little prayer is still working in and on me. His prayer has become apart of my forever prayer for myself. “Lord help mommy be herself a brave Jesus girl”. Out of the mouth of babes…..
“Everyone you encounter is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always”